Funny Things My Kid Says

We were discussing the signs the other day and told Sam she was a Gemini.

Sam: What’s that, some kind of Indian Tribe?

We are always telling Sam that she is a bottomless pit, due to the fact that she eats constantly. So, one day she and I were out eating and she had completely stuffed herself. She was looking a bit lethargic, like a normal person who just ate too much, when she said “I think I just found the bottom of my pit”.

Sam was getting ready to get into the shower and was wearing only a t-shirt.

Sam: Daddy look (she bends over and sticks out her butt).
Me: Great, get in the shower.
Sam: Did you see me? I stuck out my butt until the crack opened up.

Sam received some goo from her Uncle Jared for Christmas this year. The sole purpose of this goo is to make fart noises when you put your hand into it.

Me: Are you going to take your fart stuff to Ricki’s for Christmas?
Sam: Yes.
Me: Quinn will probably like it.
Sam: Everyone will like it. A good fart will bring the whole world together.

Zeta Zeta Zeta
Puppy of the world
But sometimes I see
That she has hurled

Sam decided to wear pants under her jumper today since it was chilly outside. The problem is that she chose pants that were about 6 inches too short.

Me: You need to change your pants. Those don’t fit you.
Sam: Yes they do.
Me: No, they don’t. They are way too short.
Sam: Well the rules sheet says that they just have to be blue or black.
Me: Well my rules sheet says they also have to fit.
Sam: I think you should take out that rules sheet. [Pause] And throw it in the trash.

Sam brought me a cookbook and told me to pick out a dessert.

Sam: Daddy pick out a dessert from this book.
Me: Ok, I’ll have to find what page they start on.
Sam: Just look in the Table of Continents.

Sam was talking about her three current boyfriends, one of whom is going to be her husband. However, she then informed me that she will be getting a fourth boyfriend soon.

Me: Who will the fourth one be?
Sam: I don’t know but he will probably be in college.

Sam and I went to Bandana’s to eat. She had already eaten lunch so I was going to eat while she colored. She colored the back of the kid’s menu and was coloring on some paper towels when the following short conversation took place.

Waitress: Did you draw on the back of the menu?
Sam: Yes.
Waitress: What is it?
Sam: Ninja swords.
Waitress: I can put it up on the wall over there if you would like.
Sam: Ok.
Waitress: Would you like to do it or would you rather I do it?
Sam: You do it. I’m in the middle of something here.

Sam: Daddy it’s a good thing we have Neosporin at home.
Me: Why?
Sam: Because it heals cuts two days faster than store brands!